That’s 2 for 1… right?

“No… 2 for $20…” “But 1 costs $20 so that’s 2 for 1… right?” “No. It’s 2 for $20. I can ask someone if you want, but I’m pretty sure I’m right.” “Isn’t that the same thing?” “What?” “What you said and what I said?” “I’m not sure what you mean?” “Are you serious?” “Um… yes?” “I’m asking about the special tonight?? I said 2 for 1 and you 2 for $20… aren’t they the same if 1 costs $20?” She laughs in a nervous kind of way like she’s embarrassed for my somehow obvious stupidity and throws her head back slightly in a somewhat mocking gesture while rolling her eyes. “Ma’am—I’ll get the manager if you want but I’m being totally serious. Tonight’s special is 2 for $20.” “But…” There’s nothing more profound than the conscious insight of sharing a conversation with someone who probably graduated high school but doesn’t comprehend simple statements that any woman who breathes and can shop a sale knows backwards and forwards in her sleep as well several languages. And then I pause. I realize the need to step outside the box and reflect on the situation. I take a moment to evaluate my current state of being from all immediately available, remotely possible angles. Am I drunk? No, so I’m at least somewhat aware of my mental state. Am I stoned? No. Am I speaking to a child? I don’t think so but I’m beginning to wonder. She appears to be an adult so there is no viable reason she should not understand the comparison or similarity between the two statements. Am I in a foreign country? No. The skyline is very familiar to the view from my office window and I am surrounded by Caucasians speaking clear and plain English with fairly obvious southern accents, so my immediate surroundings are familiar enough to determine that I am in my homeland. Am I sleeping? No. So, it’s not possible or at least not entirely likely that I’m dreaming. And—most importantly according to my medical records—I do not suffer form any mentally debilitating diseases or psychologically defecting ailments. The sun did in fact rise in the east and it appears to be setting in the west so all should be well with the universe. At this point, I take a step back to evaluate my point of view. I assess the situation from my vantage point and that of what I perceive as my possibly (or probably; dependant on your viewpoint) intellectually disadvantaged opponent. I remove myself from my reality of the situation and try to envision her perception of our conversation by putting myself in her shoes. Let’s take a moment to drink her in based upon appearance alone for the simple fact that I am lacking visual aids. About 5’7”, blonde (bleached), unimpressive curves but not too big or too small, blue eyes (half open), gauged earlobes (not excessively, but still), a little too ‘touchy/feely’ and incapable of intelligently communicating house specials to the customer --OR-- at least unable to comprehend likely multiple meanings of said special. Wow. I come to the absolute and unquestionable realization that any attempt at intelligent (or for that matter basic) communication of any kind, is completely futile and totally unmatched on SO many levels. I’m obviously speaking to a single celled organism who could not possibly (regardless of the content of conversation) fathom the opportunity for two statements to share the same meaning regardless of their similarity. I am however, slightly baffled and somewhat confused at her persistence. Is she for real?? She knows what they told her to say; but not much more. Are you serious? Ok. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. She can’t help her fairly perfect height. She can’t help her somewhat attractive although unshapely figure. They offered her a job—no—gave her a job and she passed the drug screen? I still have questions about that one but whatever. “No. There’s no need for the manager. 2 for $20 is fine.” “Ok then! If there’s nothing else I can get for you I’ll be right back with your check.” “Thanks.” I could use a fork if you have one. I want to say it. I should have said it. But thought of having to explain the humor is too much for me at this point. I may end up using the fork on her instead of my self. “Alright! Here you go and do come back and see us again!” I look at the check she has presented me with. “Um. This says that I owe $60.00” “Yes ma’am, that’s correct.” “I think you may have made a mistake.” “Ma’am?” There is it again. The mocking tone of pity; if she laughs at me again we may need the police and not the manager. “I’m sure the receipt is right. 4 items at $15 each is exactly $60. I don’t understand what the problem is?” I would like a fork. Give me the fork—I need the fork. I’m going to use it—now; on her! She’s a waste of oxygen!!! And I am not willing to risk the possibility of running out. “I ordered items that were on special.” “Special what?” That’s it. I’m done. I think my brain may explode at being forced to converse with this girl who would infuriate a toddler with her pointless circles. Completely useless waste of space and oxygen. “Nevermind.” I start to grab my credit card and then pause. Although it may be thoroughly entertaining to watch her head explode when she tries to figure out what the card is for. No. So I pay the check with cash. She gives me change. I hand her a tip (against my better judgement). “Would you like change?” Wow. What must it be like to live life with the brain power of a goldfish?