What exactly are you looking at?

I feel the need to vent and so you shall be punished with my thoughts… From time to time, my job requires me to meet new people and, in 45 minutes or less, pass judgment on them. I must talk to them, ask them silly questions that are supposed to help me determine their level of character and whether or not they will be able to follow directions and put up with me telling them what to do, how to do it and when to do it without necessarily understanding why they have to do it other than ‘because I said so.’ They call this process an interview and it ranks right up there with ‘when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad.’ I’m convinced the only reason it’s not on the list Rogers & Hammerstein came up with, is because there is nothing poetic or melodic about any part of it. Whoever came up with this idea was either on way too many or not enough drugs. I haven’t yet decided which, but I’ll let you know as soon as I do. Anyway, back to the interview. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who insists on looking not directly at you, or anywhere on your person, but at a spot on the wall behind you that is exactly 6 inches to the left of where your face is? They are sitting directly in front of you, yet their eyes refuse to meet yours and instead, wander and settle on something to the right or left of you or sometimes directly over your head. You’re trying to keep your composure and be as professional as possible but what you really want to do is ask them what, exactly, they are looking at. You’re sitting there wondering… “Is there a giant cockroach on the wall behind me?”, “is there someone behind me with a huge bucket of water?”, “did Publishers Clearing House just walk in with a check for me or is it for you”, “do you want me to leave you and ‘Spot’ alone… you seem to be getting along really well and I don’t want to be in the way.” But you can’t actually ask them any of those things. The individual seemingly answers all of your questions with some degree of sincerity but it’s like they don’t really understand what you’re asking. Almost as if they have rehearsed the whole thing. They appear to be attentive and attempt to engage in conversation but they refuse to look at you. You start to wonder… “is this guy for real? Or are we dealing with another M.I.B. invasion?” Halfway through the interview you expect him to say “sugar… I need sugar… in water.” And then you ask yourself “Am I about to be pounced upon by an alien?” and you begin to look for the nearest exit. This has to be the most infuriating thing about conducting an interview. If you can’t look me in the eye there’s a problem there. Not sure what it is and really don’t care to find out especially if it’s anything even remotely similar to the plot or character bio from a Steven King novel. Sometimes I want to slowly move my head 6 inches to the left just to see what will happen. You know what I mean; bait them—see what they will react. There could be some good comedy in that. Are they really paying attention to where I am and specifically focusing on a spot within an exact distance from my face? Will they move their eyes to the left in sync with my head? Or will they remain so focused on that one spot that it startles them to suddenly be looking at me again? If I move my head to the right instead of the left will they do the same, of course maintaining that safety zone of at least 6 inches from where my face actually is? Moral of the story; always look people directly in the eye when you talk to them… Why? Because I said so.